I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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