if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
