Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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