Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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