I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize