I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
