Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
well you can't waste a boner
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
