Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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