And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
