The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
