Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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