From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
