I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
