Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
