I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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