I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i've created a new STD.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
