apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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