Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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