how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
