First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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