If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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