I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
