Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
