If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
