I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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