he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
