If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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