dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
it was like eating out sand paper
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
