God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
