I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
