I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
