Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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