You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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