I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
then he tried to convert me to islam
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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