Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
