Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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