woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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