If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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