i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
