i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
