I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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