DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
