they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
