I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sober January is a disaster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
and you fell through a lawn chair
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
