you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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