What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
