I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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