so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
