I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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