My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
