8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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