Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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