I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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