Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw a hot homeless man
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
