so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
